Searching for a sign

In my last post, Everything is Connected, I start to draw connections between various parts of my past and what I have accomplished and the precipice I am now viewing my future from. There are those that speak of "flow", "luck favors the prepared", and "there are no coincidences". While the educated mind might balk at some of these kinds of concepts, we still strive to have that kind of "magic" in our lives.

 At the beginning of the year, instead of creating a resolution or goals for 2023, we decided to pick a word. Out of a deck of cards. Very woo. I pulled the word existence. It was perplexing, inscrutable, and kind of intriguing. So I adopted it.

I have been on a journey exploring what my life is going to be about in this next phase: all I knew was that there had to be more nature and more exploration of consciousness. Many years ago, probably 20 years ago, I had a colleague guide me in a shamanic journey to meet my power animal. She was beating a drum that created a deep reverberation that I felt all through my body and I could definitely feel the hypnotic quality of it. I was working on my PhD at the time, steeped in the scientific method and just beginning to delve into the mysteries of human consciousness. When I found myself in a snowy wasteland talking to a raven, I was surprised and awed, but came out of the journey doubting my experience and explaining it away with thoughts of trance-like dream states and hypnosis. I mean, it had to be bullshit, right?

Twenty years later, my exploration of neuroscience as a science communicator and educator, has opened my eyes to altered states of consciousness (both psychedelic- and non-psychedilic induced), the power of emotions to create a deeper learning experience, and the mystery of how a purpose that is bigger than you alters the way you see yourself and your reality. Practical Neuroscience is what I started to call all of that.

Last year, I participated in a psychedelic journey led by a couple of shamanic practitioners and was deeply moved by the spirituality and presence of the ceremony and the deep connection they had to Spirit and the world around us. It was the kind of spirituality that I always wanted to experience and had never been able to with the organized religion I grew up with, except while singing sacred music.  During that psychedelic journey, I asked myself "Could the way of the Shaman be a path to the kind of spirituality I was longing for?"

I just recently completed a seven month long Shamanic Calling course. We explored sound driven shamanic journeying and connecting to the subtle realms. While my scientific training and way of thinking seemed like it would get in the way of these exercises, it had the opposite effect. In a shamanic journey there is a yang aspect in which you are actively imagining, and then there is a yin aspect where you are open to what ever arises. The yin aspect is very much what I do while I am meditating, but the yang aspect was enhanced by my scientific mind as, once I stopped doubting, I used my background knowledge to imagine more precisely. And even tho my mind still still asks, "this is bullshit, right?", my experience of being closer to nature and in tune with my own emotions and hidden notions is exponentially better. So it really doesn't matter if it is bullshit. I am getting way more from it, both spiritually and creatively than I ever expected.

And the creative aspect is particularly important. Most of what I am interested in requires a creative and innovative approach to impact it. Scientific writing, psychedelics for medical and consciousness expanding ventures, having people be heard and empowered in our current reality, using data science to map and innovate, and having people live a life aligned with their purpose. In my favorite TED talk, and her book Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about creative genius as a separate entity or spirit that can work with you or not depending upon your willingness to let it. I find such resonance with this way of thinking as it allows me to bring lightheartedness to what I am working on. That there is a message waiting for me to receive it has my mind be open to ideas that I have disregarded in the past.

I recently attended an event presented by Paul Stamets and Guujaw called How Psilocybin mushrooms can help save the world. Having Guujaw there brought a spiritual dimension to the talk that was moving and resonated with me. Guujaw said that people just needed to reconnect with Nature. We have separated ourselves, and need to reconnect. Just dwell on that, meditate on that, apply the scientific method to that. And Paul also said something that had me be connected to my creative genius. He said that while he often gets marching orders while he is on a psychedelic journey, on his last journey, he was given a single word. Existence.

Everything is connected

 

I love messing with the mind. I also love messing with the brain. The two aren’t the same thing, although some things mess with both. My graduate training was in receptor biology, g-protein couple receptor biology to be a little more specific. I could get way more specific, but then I’d be doing the thing that had me leave the bench in the first place. I like to talk and think about ecosystems, about how everything fits together, I like to model and visualize the complexity, and I like to make connections obvious and non-obvious. So a little background before I go back to messing with the mind.

I like to tell the story of Darwin and how he relates the Aha moment in which the Origin of Species came into existence. I’m all about making connections, and subsequent research has demonstrated that while it may have looked to him like it came to him in a flash of insight, I like to think of it as his brain making the last little connection that tied his decades of thinking all together into a beautiful bow.

My decades of wandering started while I was realizing 8 year old me’s dream of being an astrophysicist. Sitting in the Array Operations Center at the Very Large Array, in front of the terminal with lines of green code on the dark screen, I realized that this is not what I wanted to do with my life. Mind you, sitting there was the result of me responding to an innocent “You wouldn’t be interested in Astronomy, girls don’t do Astronomy”, so I’d never really explored what I could or would want to do. But from my vantage now, that is life isn’t it? Taking a journey to see what works, to find out what there is for you to find out, to learn all the lessons along the way?

Last year, I took a dear friend’s suggestion and participated in a guided psychedelic retreat, ‘cuz I like messing with the mind, ergo it had to come to that eventually, right? I didn’t commune with God, or see my ancestors or anything cool like that, but it did start me on a journey of letting go. For the past year, I have been catching up on the Psychedelic Renaissance happening all around me. Given how much I like messing with the mind, I was shocked that I had been oblivious to it all. Turns out oblivious is not far off track. You really don't see what is right in front of you. 

Back in 2006, I wrote a blog post on The Power of LSD, based on an article I’d found. I got so much of that article wrong. I remembered thinking that psychedelic research was a limited phenomenon, that the studies in that review were isolated work, that not much came of the research people were doing. In fact, the first sentence of that article reads "The therapeutic uses of psychedelic drugs have recently resurfaced as a topic of debate in neuropsychopharmacology." In my own defense, at the time I found the article, I wanted to get back into working on the brain after having done a stint in program management and event coordination in transformational education, in fact, that was the year before I started working at the Allen Institute for Brain Science.

So I was around, though I wasn't necessarily present to the birth of this psychedelic renaissance. And it has captured me. Medicine that could actually cure (loaded word innit?) mental disorders, instead of treating the symptoms?! I'm all in. Well kinda. What is someone who loves to study the brain, loves to teach others about the brain, and loves to map and explore possible connections for innovative ideas to do in this space? Well that is the question. And the inquiry I'm on these days. Mostly I'm gathering my thoughts and using all my talents to determine what is next for me around here.

Peaceful Seattle Protests

Woke this morning to a crash of thunder. It does rain in Seattle, but the thunderstorms are rare and worthy of getting up to watch with a cup of coffee. We even stood outside under the umbrella to get the full effect, but the cold and the wet are not major draws and we decided to go back inside. Looked like after that excitement it was going to be another boring day in quarantine. Sat with the two youngest and reviewed social media and the violence that occurred last night. Cried at the videos of police brutality and the injustice of it all.

Then my eldest daughter and her best friend called to say they were going to the protests. My younger daughter was in, and my son was upset he had to work. My kids make me proud so often. As a mom I was terrified, proud, and fighting my own mind: I just wanted to numb myself with Netflix to escape the Covid-stupidity, but terrified of not being there for my girls in a situation that could get dangerous. Besides, it was cold and rainy out. So, we suited up and got ready to go.

My daughter’s best friend is a college grad, studying to get into med-school, and a nationally renowned track and field athlete training for the 2020 Olympics next year. When she goes running in the neighborhood to work out she makes sure to take her ID because she is also Black. The things she has to manage for because of her skin color stun me and make me weep.

In the car downtown she gets on the phone and asks her friend if she’s going to the protests and says, bring your white allies with you if you can. It makes me cry behind my mask. Soon after we get to Westlake there are large booms that send the crowd running. The tension and adrenaline are so high because we are scared of the police. This is the whole reason we are here. We are scared of the police.

We were part of the peaceful protest, that’s what they called one of the three protests happening in Seattle today. But all three were downtown and you could hear the flash bangs going off a couple streets over. Most people were there for the right reason and you could hear it when the Black Pastors started praying. But, there were those that were there to stir shit, like the two white guys that were watching people and saying it was the Blacks killing the Blacks. Yeah, I saw you. I heard you and watched you re-cover your faces and walk away. Like the skinny white guy who spray painted “fuck the virus” on the granite before my husband chased you away.

But the helpers were out too. I saw you. The couple handing out waters, the brave chick who yelled at the guy with a hammer in his backpack and made him throw it in the trash. I saw you. When you dug it out of the trash and dumped it down the drain. I saw that too. Even the Black guy who walked by us and said “Look at you, so white and scared AF.” That made us laugh. I saw you see us.

My youngest who deals with anxiety was such a trooper. With flash-bangs going off and people running, she didn’t want to leave, even with tears running down her face. The police kept us from marching peacefully so we stayed listening to the speakers and took comfort in being there. Letting our people know, we hear you.

As an avid fan of the Twitter platform, I watched what was happening far (but still too close) from us and saw both virtually and in the air around us when things started to get tense. We left as soon as the scanners told the undercover cops to get out of the crowd. We were in the car when the alert about the Seattle curfew jarred all of our electronics. You’ll see the riots on the news, you won't see the peaceful marches and the spoken word and the singing. And people will compare this to the 1999 WTO protests and I hope they say that today had the same effect in having the world see that things just aren’t right.

The ethics of brain disorder.

An argument can be made that who you are and what you experience are constructs of your brain. What you see and hear and taste and smell and feel, while coming from your sensory organs, are processed, and "interpreted" in the brain. They are merely information that is processed by your brain and result in what could perhaps be called an arbitrary reality. And your brain can be fooled: optical illusions and tactile illusions are just two ways for you to demonstrate that your brain creates your reality.

So if you take the case, even if just for a moment, that your brain creates your reality - you can start to delve into the possibility that everything could (should?) be questioned. Your view of yourself, for sure - are you REALLY that way? Definitely your view of others and life should be questioned. What about your past? You already have several examples of how things didn't really go down as you remember. And it is becoming increasingly obvious that eye witness testimony is flawed, sometimes fatally. And what about your future? That you even think that your future exists (good or bad) demonstrates the wondrous ability of our brain to fabricate a reality.

One pitfall we all have (yes, even you) is thinking that you can distinguish what is real from what isn't. Have you ever awoken from a dream where you and your significant fought? And you were still upset late into the day with said person until you realized that the reason for your ire couldn't possibly be real - I mean, when have you ever had a pet dragon that they hated, much less secretly barbecued for your friends?

So where do ethics come in? One notion that deserves scrutiny is that we are fundamentally good and that when we do something bad, we did it on purpose. You might consider that our entire justice (punishment?) system is based on this notion. That we have an insanity defense is proof that the accepted perception is that 'normally' we can distinguish right from wrong, unless something is off with our brain.

If you are up for wading into the contradictions that may be starting to tingle your spidey-sense, I recommend reading David Eagleman's book - Incognito. In this book, Eagleman relates a story in which a man's penchant for child pornography is solely the result of his brain tumor. That a complex behavior could be the result of brain disfunction is astounding, and begs further inquiry into the behavioral effects of brain abnormality. Especially when you consider that the brain can be trained to do anything. ANYTHING. For further reading on the amazing ability of the brain to learn and relearn (even seemingly impossible) things, check out The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge.

If the brain creates a reality that includes how we interact with the world - is our prison system really the best way to habilitate a human being? This is a question that is so mired in "yeah, buts..." that it is vastly difficult to hold a reasonable discourse on it. But we can (should?) start to question how we think about people who have committed heinous crimes. Like Aaron Hernandez.

Aaron committed suicide at 27 years of age while he was in jail for murder, and he had C.T.E., Chronic traumatic encephalopathy - a persistent or long-standing neurological (brain) disorder induced by trauma. Hernandez was an embarrassment to his former team and they refunded thousands of fans who had purchased his jersey. The hidden communication behind all this could be interpreted as "We didn't realize how bad a human being this individual was and we are sorry".

How does one get C.T.E. and did this disease play a role in his criminal behavior? C.T.E. is caused by repeated trauma to the head, as is common amongst veterans or athletes such as boxers, WWE fighters and NFL players.

Figure from: Cortical maps and modern phrenology

Brain. 2008;131(8):2227-2233. doi:10.1093/brain/awn158

This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms

of the Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial License

(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/uk/) 

which permits unrestricted non-commercial use, distribution, 

and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is 

properly cited.

Much of what we know about the brain is through studies that reported functional or behavioral deficits after localized trauma. We know that trauma to the fore-brain can impact higher order functions such as decision-making and social cognition. People with damage to the amygdala are more likely to make decisions that do not take emotional processing into account.

Since we know that damage to the brain can result in personality changes that can have dire consequences, shouldn't we be putting attention on how best to eliminate those factors that can induce the worst kind of behavior in people?

Wait, what? Did I just say out loud that certain activities (like perhaps tackle football) may actually result in human beings committing heinous acts? There is a lot about the brain that we don't know, yet when there is compelling evidence that some activity has horrible consequences (don't get me started on global warming) shouldn't we take action to eliminate the risk?

The untwining of death.

Last Thursday was the Feast of All Souls (as a practicing Catholic those words don't sound at all as gruesome as seeing them on the screen), and as a member of the St. James Cathedral Choir, I had the profound privilege of singing Durufle's Requiem Mass that night. This mass is an opportunity to mourn those we have lost, to meditate on our mortality and to look death in the face.

Death is apparently a part of life, a natural progression, inevitable... and yet I would venture to say that there is nothing in life that instills more fear (but then, I like public speaking).

Fear of our own death for sure. And the scary part of our own demise is the unknown, the uncertainty that comes with death. As a catholic, I recite the Nicene Creed each week. And as a conscious catholic, I always stumble over the line:

... and I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.

Do I? As far as I can tell, death is the ultimate adventure, the great unknown. What really happens after we die? You don't know! (kudos if you get the reference) I know I'm supposed to believe something, but REALLY? There is no way to know. Until it happens, and then I suspect I won't care anymore anyway. And while being afraid of something that will eventually happen, regardless of how much I try to avoid it, is a possible way to spend my time - it seems like a rather sad existence.

I think the harder part of death is when someone else dies. Because we have to continue living life without them. My daughter is a freshman at the University of Utah studying Computer Science and Mechanical Engineering. The same majors as the young man who was randomly murdered there this past week. When I got the campus alert, I had a visceral reaction until I got her on the phone. Death of someone young or violent death is the most crushing. And as a mother, I'm terrified of the thought of losing one of my off-spring. My parents too. The closer it gets to the end of their lives, the more fear I have of losing them.

My father-in-law died two years ago. Les was the first of our parents to succumb, to go, to pass, to die. It's hard to even call it like it is. It was heart-breaking to be with my spouse's sorrow in losing his Dad, and in my own sorrow, but the hardest part to be with how heart-wrenching it was for my mother-in-law to lose her love/partner/soul-mate. My mind balks at merely having to imagine, much less be, in that position.

Let's talk about that. Hebbian Theory very simply states that "neurons that fire together, wire together". Practically speaking, that means that when two things are associated together, they become intertwined. My daughter's first word was "kitty". A word that was spoken whenever the four legged furry being was present. She associated that sound with that phenomenon. It's what we call learning, associative learning to be precise.

When we associate with another human being, our neural pathways become intertwined. That emotion with that experience of eating at that place with that person... they all become intertwined. Even the routine that happens as you start to leave a place, especially when you have been leaving places for many many years together. A moment that sticks with me from Les's funeral was my mother-in-law turning around after the service to make sure Les was with her.

That funeral was such a surprise to me! It was so impactful, both as a Catholic and as a Scientist. Rituals are the bomb!!! And Fr. Tom was brilliant. He reminded us that our experience of Les continues to happen, regardless of whether or not his body is there. Everything that is associated with Les is still associated with Les which is both the bitter and the sweet part of losing a loved one.

If you subscribe to the notion, as I do, that the brain generates EVERYTHING, then your experience of another person resides solely within your skull. Add to that another thought experiment, think of someone you love, or someone you hate... if you really inspect it, you love not them, but who you are and how you feel when you are with them.

While listening to Fr. Tom speak, I intentionally started to remember the things I loved about Les, like when he first met me and told me that he was a contact. Yes, by aliens. Our mutual love of science and space was one of the things that has him continue to be present for me.

Being Profoundly Connected...

What exactly does that mean?

Let's take a look at experience to explore this question. And by experience, I mean your actual day-to-day, living-your-life experience.

When you look at why you do the things you do, ultimately it is to have an experience.

• Riding a rollercoaster
• Giving a present
• Going in for your first kiss
• Volunteering at a food-bank

I mean, why would you even go to a horror movie?!

When I saw "It" with my family, the experience of the hackles on the back of my neck at full attention, goosebumps over my entire body, the lightness of my internal organs defying gravity... the entire experience was something my son and I reveled in. The experience of being that terrified (in a controlled environment) was awesome.

If you look at why you do things, even the things you don't want to do that you do anyway, it is  ultimately in pursuit of a particular experience.

Now, if you took the extraordinary experiences, those that you try to reach again and again, can you identify the intention that was being fulfilled in that moment?

I am most inspired, lit up and fulfilled when I am profoundly connected to another human being. Or when I am around other human beings who are profoundly connected. "Connected to what?" you may ask...

• When I am present to my love for my husband of 28 years. 
• When my colleague is in touch with and expressing their life's passion. 
• When my child is aware of their own brilliance and unique expression. 
• When my other child is proud of what they have just accomplished.
• When I am watching someone in the zone - performing at their peak at what they love to do. 

All this is people being profoundly connected. And I am fulfilled when that is happening around and within me.

So...

What if I set up my life so that what I do, the actions I take, the thoughts that arise, are all aligned with People being profoundly connected. If my life were set up that way, my experience - all the time - would either be inspired and fulfilled or in pursuit of that which inspires and fulfills me. Sounds cool, life affirming and worthy. Lives, people's lives, especially MY life isn't set up so that it is aligned with People being profoundly connected.

As I set out to align my life with that intention, that calling, what I must deal with first is everything that is not aligned. This is non-trivial. A lot of the structures in my house are designed so that I can check out (Hint: not connected).

I'm taking the next 3 months to have my life be aligned with my calling: People are profoundly connected.

Creating Something New

The world didn't end last November, nor in January nor every week since then. Granted it has proven to be a colossal embarrassment, step backward, travesty... you get the picture. I'm still gunning for "Good will come of this whole mess"...

But it's funny how life goes on, isn't it?

So in the meantime, let's create something new.

I recently left the Allen Institute for Brain Science, it was bittersweet - I loved the work I was doing there - Science Communication in pretty much every medium, but the direction we were heading had me realize that I had to get off the train before I was carried too far off track. I've had friends, family and colleagues tell me that I should take a little time off - that amazing things happen in the in-between, apparently. So while I've been looking and inquiring into what's next job-wise, I've also been pausing. It has been about a month since I left. And indeed, some amazing things have started to arise.

I decided to be a scientist when I was 8 years old. I walked up on my best friend in the school library while he was reading a book. "What are you reading?" I asked. "Oh, you wouldn't be interested, it's a book on astronomy, and girls don't do astronomy". That simple innocent phrase set me on a path that resulted - 11 years later - in my crunching numbers on the site of the Very Large Array, and wondering what the hell I was doing there. Granted, my dogged determination to prove that girls can do whatever they want had me excel in math and science - something I may have done anyway - but it left very little room for creating and exploring what there was to do with my life.

I LoVe science. Doing it, writing about it, talking about it - the scientific method is an extraordinary way to view the world. And since I was 8, it has never occurred to me to do anything else. About three weeks post-leaving the 'tute, it occurred to me - "What if I did just start from scratch? What would I do?"

THAT was a mind-bending thought (which I love btw).

And I started inquiring from here:

If you look back in time at my blogging, you'll see (no, not the giant spaces where I stopped writing) that I also love transformative work. I call it practical neuroscience. You can train yourself to see your own view. It's hard, especially at first, but it is the best thing (bar none) you can do for yourself and for the world. I highly recommend it. Do it. The first thing to get is you can't see your own view. Thankfully, other people can.

That's where coaches come in. I traveled to the hot-bed of transformative thinking [sarcastic font], Venice Beach where I inquired into how to live my life in alignment with my calling. Something this grave and profound obviously needs a sufficiently profound name. Seriously tho, the difference engine is a method I'm using to create the next phase of my reality.

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

- Buckminister Fuller

Also my take on this whole Administration reality. But I digress...

My calling - that which is more important to me than anything - is People are profoundly connected to Source. The quest then is how to align my life with this calling.

So my inquiry is happening in real-time and I'm tracking it here. You are welcome to join me in this journey. I'm not sure where it will end, but telling a story is one of the things I've always loved...

Stages of ... what is this I'm feeling?

This tracks some of the emotional and intellectual roller coaster I've been riding the last couple of weeks.


via GIPHY

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Denial was a long process for me. I think that stage started the second time Bush was elected. I disengaged in a fundamental way after a conversation with my Dad in which he gently suggested that Bush might win. And it was as if I was reliving that moment while watching the returns come in, in favor of DJT. I had to go to bed and bury my head in the pillows. (depression maybe?) But I've been doing that since Bush.

It was like when I came to the startling realization that people don't care about evidence. THAT was dumb-founding to me. How intellectually elitist of me to think that there was another way to operate in life that didn't call upon reasoning, weighing the evidence, asking "is that reasonable"? I'm serious about the intellectual elitist part. I do think less of people who don't use the scientific method, or who can be tricked into thinking something is real when it isn't. I really do think I'm better than them.

People actually thought - I mean ACTUALLY gave credence to the truthiness of the idea that the world was going to go straight to hell (figuratively, not literally) once Obama was elected. And despite all the evidence to the contrary assert that he was an ineffective president and that they were right all along. Contrast that with my pride and joy and gratitude and love for who I got to be as an American because Obama was my president. What did I care what those imbecilic, poorly raised, intentionally dim-witted, racist, grotesque anomalies thought? (ok, that might be anger) The world was moving forward and leaving them behind.

A lot of good that way of being does me in the current surreal reality tv reality. The links in the previous paragraph are URLs to google searches. On November 23, 2016 the "facts of obama presidency" search looked like this:

Who knows what this search will look like 6 months into a DJT presidency. The fake news wave surrounding this election, not to mention the "trusted" news networks that gave DJT so much free advertising through out the campaign have left all of us, intellectual elites and luddites both, suspicious of... well suspicious of everyone. And worse, gave legitimacy to the anti-intellectual.

Which leaves us in the beginning stages of a fascist regime in which it is quite possible historians will look back and say "why did they let this happen?". As an intellectual, I look at history, at what has gone before to inform me of when a tyrant appears - to be able to recognize it when it shows up. And we have, we did, we pointed it out, we called it by name. And it fell on deaf ears.

I find it odd that the anti-establishment vote is counting on the establishment to work well enough to withstand a take-over by an autocratic despot. I'm not so sure.

But...

What if I'm as deluded as those people who thought that the world was going to end with Obama's presidency? Hear me out for a second... I think I'm smart, I've got some evidence for it, but I didn't see this coming. We are all talking about our bubbles. After Bush, I said I would never be blind-sided like that again. Lotta good that did. Even the actions I took to ensure I had a broader view did nothing. I didn't know people thought it was the end of the world when Obama was elected. They weren't in my experience.

So what if? I have great respect for the fact that our brain gives us the world we interact in. And our context gives us how the world looks. If you alter your context, everything looks different. Altering your context is hard because it's invisible, you can't see the thing you see with. It's true for your eyes and it's true for your context. And if you look for evidence for that there is another context, you can find it. Again I say it's hard because no one wants to look for another context, another perspective so to speak.

There are people out in the US that are not terrified of a DJT presidency. It's weird, but they aren't. They are excited, thrilled even. That is a perspective that doesn't come easy to me, but I can easily see it in others. And if I don't just attribute it to their stupidity and ism-ness, what might I learn?

Here is what I know I don't know - I don't know anything about DJT - apparently he's written a book, The Art of the Deal, where he describes how he goes about winning. I've never read it. I've never watched his shows - which some people love. I'm not a business person - I'm a scientist, I leave business up to others who (to be honest I used to think couldn't cut it in science - I mean...why get a business degree??). There's an art and maybe even a science to business. I guess. I've never applied myself to it.

So given this is what we've got, I've got some schooling to do. I've started to read things that seem to indicate that DJT is just doing his thing - it's a way of getting what he wants and he's pretty good at that. There is evidence that people get trampled on his way to getting what he wants, and I must never lose vigilance about that. And stand for what I know is right. But I'm gonna go eat some crow - find another perspective and see if I can see what so many others are seeing.

'Cause what I have been doing hasn't made the difference I'm committed to making in this world.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

I woke up this morning with that word on my mind.

Do you remember when "antidisestablishmentarianism" was the longest word in the English language? I say 'remember when' because in reality there are words that are much longer - but if you don't count technical words (the chemical name of tin has almost 190 000 letters) or coined words, it still is the longest word. I remember teaching myself that word because it felt so good rolling off my tongue.

But it also taught me about English, about  how it is perfectly legitimate to add prefixes or suffixes to words to make a new word or meaning. So I laugh when people tell me things aren't really words - like ongoingly, 'cause - sure it is. Just because it gets a squiggly red line under it, doesn't mean it's not a real word - you can make out its meaning. That's English for you.

Historically, antidisestablishmentarianism (go ahead, say it out loud) referred to a political position that opposed proposals to remove the Anglican church as the established church throughout most of England. Just for shits and giggles, lets dissect this word instead of looking at it historically.

Let's look at this word from the base "establishment".

establishment - a public institution
dis establishment -  having a negative, or reversing force - against the establishment
anti disestablishment - opposition to disestablishment (ugh, double negatives)
antidisestablishment ary - pertaining to opposition to disestablishment
antidisestablishmentar ian - someone who is opposed to disestablishment
antidisestablishmentarian ism - the movement  associated with being opposed to disestablishment

I guess the elections of 2016 will go down in history as a sort of antiestablishmentarianism. I have this election on my mind. In fact I'm writing this - right now - just so I don't brood. Hell, let's brood a little bit - haven't you thought about the end of the world as we know it? Not the song. But the event - it's all the rave in young adult fiction (which is awesome, btw). You've probably enjoyed the story line at the theaters - The Hunger Games, Maze Runner, Divergent. I'm currently reading the Emberverse series by S.M. Sterling about an event referred to only as "the Change". I love this shit. I've had thoughts all my life about making the world a better place... which typically (and weirdly) concludes with thoughts like - well lets erase this one first.

There are so many things not to like about how our government - the establishment - works. And I've often thought, "Gah, we need to do something, but it's so big - so established..." and then the train of thought usually ends with something like "shit! that was my stop, now I'm gonna be late for work...".

Watch the pilot episode of Designated Survivor. I'm not recommending that plan - but hell, I'm clearly not the only one who's thought it.

I've never been more proud to be American than when we elected Obama as president. It felt like such a huge thing, like we were making great strides, then the supreme court ruling on marriage equality, it almost made the ineffectuality of our republican congress palatable because we were growing as a nation - species even. I am quite aware now that my views on the last 8 years aren't shared by all. I'm trying to wrap my head around what happened and I'm usually pretty good at seeing the others point of view, but really? You were that threatened by a black family in our sacred white house!?

I know that my point of view is likely skewed - I was one of those who took him literally and didn't take him seriously, while his supporters took him seriously and not literally. I don't believe that politicians will do what they say (even the best ones), so why was I so sure he'd honor his words that I found so nauseating?

And I know he's not the first rapist to live at the white house, and legally he just played the system so he didn't have to pay taxes, and all his justifications about how you do business are a valid (if deplorable) strategy. And I really think/fear/hope that the establishment is going to be so ravaged by his attempt...

no... what I really fear is... The establishment is going to get rid of him and running rampant will destroy so much of what we have accomplished, and this ground swelling of change (even tho it's not how I would have brought it about) will come to an abrupt halt, shattered before it had time to transform into something new (and potentially beautiful).

Yes. I want him to succeed. I want him to prove me wrong. I want the role he has accepted to transform him, to have him value the spirit as well as the word of the bill of rights. To have this movement to up-end the establishment be an unprecedented peaceful resolution to what isn't working with our great country.

The Establishment lost last night

This is what the 21st century peasant revolt looks like. It's not just the United States. It's a global phenomenon. People are tired of the establishment. They are revolting against the establishment. The people want a say. It makes me laugh with tears a little to see the poster child of the people uprising against the elite, but there it is.

Hillary was the establishment. She is an amazing woman who I am proud to have voted for and she was the epitome of the establishment. Hell, we democrats also had the opportunity to turn the whole thing on it's head with our "people's candidate", but... as a party we are a little too much ok with the establishment. Remember when we said only that ultra-progressive could beat the likes of their front runner in their primary? Remember how we mocked them for how their base, those peasants, couldn't tow the line and work it from the inside - like we were going to do? If the system worked the way it was supposed to, we would have had a progressives voice in this uprising. Kind of points to why the establishment lost, doesn't it?

After the crying at 4 am this morning, and the crushing despair, I had to deal with reality. Hello reality, good to meet you. We voted in a black man 8 years ago to change it all, and that didn't work. I've never been prouder to be an American with a black man at the helm of my country, but even that extraordinary leader couldn't make a dent in what doesn't work about this vast machinery.

So this is what a peasants revolt looks like. It is a boil that must be lanced - painful, messy and smelly. But its what is there to be dealt with.

Here is your charge: Be light. In every meaning of the word.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html

Rekindling

Hi. I'm back.

It has been a while. Seven years in fact. Much has shifted in the intervening years, and I've grown in immeasurable ways. I worked for an organization that is making a profound and real difference in the world. I learned a lot about running a business and making promises and being empowered even when I broke my promises. The thing I liked best about that job was how trained I got in messing with my mind. One thing that has not diminished is my urge to write. I like this medium. In the past 5 years, I've learned the business side of running things. I've taken on more than I thought I could handle, succeeded and failed. But, I cannot escape my love for the scientific method. My context is always "is that reasonable?" and not in a transformed way either. Maybe a better way to say it is "How real is that?" I still have no urge to return to the bench. I occasionally have a thought about running a gel again, but mostly that is accompanied with a snort.

Now, I talk about brain science. I have the extraordinary privilege of working for a company that isn't federally funded and is doing cutting edge neuroscience. And I get to talk about brain science. I get to travel the world and interact with neuroscientists and talk about brain science. And did I mention I get to talk about brain science?

In the next 10 years the field of neuroscience is going to dramatically change, and being in the thick of things is unbelievably fulfilling. And I'm gonna talk about this, and things I love like, my job, consciousness, twitter, being a catholic scientist (yep, I'm on that recording) and probably my kids.

I'm rusty. But it's good to be back.

What about me?

I don't normally talk about me personally, but this time, I'm gonna.

I have always been fascinated by the mind. It's a terrible thing, you know. I mean it's a terrible thing to waste (hee hee). In particular I've been captivated by the study of consciousness. Scientists do a pretty good job of pretending to be objective, but when it comes to studying consciousness, objectivity starts getting muddy (read 'impossible'). And when you get into it, you start to realize that "objectivity" is just a farce. No one is objective. Everyone has an opinion about everything. It's the soft science version of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. The part about the observer influencing what is observed.

When you start to get into consciousness, you invariably start to ask questions like "Why do I think the way I do?" and "Who am 'I' anyway?" - Classic philosophy. About 13 years ago, I did the Landmark Forum, and to paraphrase Douglas Adams - it illustrated that everything I had held to be true, ain't necessarily so. For the first time in my life, I was able to effectively mold that "me" that I was so sure was already established. And I could create that "me" in any way I saw fit. I have been leading seminars for Landmark Education for several years to that very end - I figured why keep that kind of thing to myself, everyone should have it.

In the not too distant past, I was dead set on the academic track - I was going to use my Ph.D. to study the kind of brain plasticity involved in altering really set pattens, like who you know yourself to be. It then occurred to me, who cares?. Knowing how that happens will make absolutely no difference, even in the small scheme of things. What would make a difference, however, is actually altering those patterns of thinking for large numbers of people.

So I've altered the course of my life. I am now working full-time on altering - fundamentally altering - the experience of being for human beings. I love science. I will continue to talk about things from the viewpoint of a scientist, and I will continue to have people critically think about the world around them, but my day job is ensuring that people who register into the Landmark Forum in the Seattle area - powerfully complete the course.

Just say no to (prescription) drugs.

You know you are seriously messing with brain chemistry when they say that the drug you are taking takes several weeks...several weeks... to take effect. That should make us take a step back to really reconsider what this drug is doing to our brains. There are some drugs that have immediate effects - like opiates or painkillers - that inhibit pain reception; you take the drug, it binds to specific receptor that interrupts the painful signal. The biology is pretty straightforward here.

However, there are some drugs that we don't know how they work... I've taken a statement directly from the package insert of an antidepressant...

Although the exact mechanisms of the antidepressant and central pain inhibitory action of xxxxxxxx in humans are unknown, the antidepressant and pain inhibitory actions are believed to be related to its potentiation of serotonergic and noradrenergic activity in the CNS.

This in itself isn't bad, (although using the word "believe" in scientific speak always sets my teeth on edge) I just find this kind of scary. Mind you, we didn't know how aspirin worked for decades and we still used it to GREAT benefit. Now that we know how it works, we have tweaked it so that it doesn't cause other adverse effects (like ulcers).

Here is my BIG disclaimer, for conditions that are really debilitating, like depression you really should do whatever you need to, to take care of your well-being. I still think that you should carefully consider what is going on with your brain while you are on the drugs.

I think where I take the most offense however, is at the ads on TV that suggest that if you have this or that (sometimes unheard of) condition, you should talk to your doctor about {outrageously expensive but very effective} drug for {your unusual condition}.

Now I don't personally have restless legs, so I don't know how debilitating this syndrome is but apparently if you take a new class of drugs designed to treat this condition, you could turn into a pathologic gambler. This drug apparently interacts with the dopaminergic system (read: reward pathways, Parkinson’s disease). Big brain areas.

I'm just saying...

It's not a cure to Mad Cow Disease... yet.

We've all heard of Mad Cow Disease... no not the one that has cows retaliating for the whole cow tipping phenomenon, the one that has everyone scared that if they eat a cow, they are going to go crazy. In case you haven't heard or if you don't know much behind the biology of it, I'll give you a little primer.

Prions are proteins that in their natural state are responsible for... well, we don't know really. A recent Nature article says that we are narrowing down their role...

There is now increasing, albeit patchy, evidence that the process of prion infection might have a vital role in a large number of biological processes—not only in single-celled organisms but also in higher eukaryotes—ranging from adaptation to new environments to the establishment of long-term memory.

...Ok, so it's not narrowed down much.

But anyway the interesting point about these proteins is that when they are folded in the "prion" conformation, they are almost impossible to degrade. Which means they don't go away. Ever. Which is bad in the brain. Even heating to very high temperatures doesn't harm these proteins.

Here is the next really cool thing about prions, well morbidly cool anyway... when a prion protein comes into contact with a native form of the prion protein, the native protein changes conformation and becomes highly stable as well. So not only do prions stick around, but they make others just like them.

And the scary thing about this kind of protein is that a lot of animals have them. Sheep have them, the disease they cause is scrapies. Cows have them, that disease is actually called bovine spongiform encephalitis (BSE). And humans get it, one form of it is called Crutzfeld-Jacob disease. The worst part about it is if we were to eat a cow that had BSE, those prion proteins could start interacting with our normal proteins and give us the human form of the disease.

Recently, a group has produced genetically engineered cows - over a dozen of them - that don't have the message for this protein (December's Nature Biotechnology). Which means they can't get the disease. These cows are almost 2 years old now and... At over 20 months of age, the cattle are clinically, physiologically, histopathologically, immunologically and reproductively normal.

So, I'm left with a nagging question... What the heck is this protein for?

Everything in Moderation

Hormesis is a biological response to a substance at very low doses that is opposite the response of the same substance at high doses. In other words, substances that have been shown to be dangerous at high levels might actually be good for you at very low doses. Studies have shown that irradiating a mouse with a very low dose of gamma radiation before subjecting it to a high dose, actually protects it from developing cancer.

The link above is the wikipedia entry and goes into why this is not a popular theory at all. It's not like hormesis is hogwash, even you have heard of it. It is why very small concentrations of botulinum toxin (yes the stuff that causes botulism) injected into our faces makes us look years younger, instead of causing horrible pain and death. Scientists have also described the hormesis effect with opiates. Very small doses of opiate antagonists (pain killer blockers) actually enhance high doses of pain killers. And very small doses of opiates have been shown to induce pain.

There are a lot of government agencies that were designed specifically to protect us (no, not the FBI) that have presumed that the dose-response curves of many substances are linear. As a scientist, I can attest to the pain of measuring a dose-response curve at concentrations below the linear ranges. Still doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. A recent survey based on a review of more than 56,000 tests in 13 strains of yeast using 2,200 drugs indicates that hormesis may actually be a valid phenomenon and dangerous to ignore. Anti-cancer drugs that normally inhibit cell growth actually enhance it at very low concentrations.

Acknowledging the validity of hormesis comes with a whole mess of consequences, however. Environmental groups have advocated completely eliminating toxic substances when that may not be necessary.

But even harder for the government agency types to swallow may be granting credence to the entire field of homeopathy. Homeopathy is a medical practice entirely predicated on treating illnesses with very small doses of substances that at large doses mimic the disease being treated. Maybe there is something behind that whole "crack-pot" theory.

OK, I've worked out this whole Intelligent Design thing...

I've been trying to ferret out this whole ID thing and it turns out, I've been going about it all wrong... it's not about ferrets, it's about squirrels.

Specifically, God designed squirrels intelligent enough to outsmart trees.

Bet you didn't know trees were smart, did you? Well, they are. To ensure the survival of their species against their major predators (which are squirrels, just in case you didn't know), they do not produce the same annual amount of seeds (the part of them that squirrels eat). They employ a "swamp and starve" strategy, which means that some years they hold back seeds - starving out the squirrel populations - and then swamp the land with seeds once they have starved out the hungry rodents. Pretty bloodthirsty if you ask me.

Turns out the red squirrel has foiled this carefully planned coniferous plot. In a manner that is - as yet - undetermined, the squirrels have worked out this seemingly random schedule and birth not one but two litters in these lean years. So they, and only they, amongst all their squirrel brethren decimate the unborn trees.

It's all starting to make sense to me now...

It is a toomah

This last month has been quite the experience. My grandmother died at the end of last month, she had senile dementia and didn't remember her kids before she died. She'd also been married to my grandfather for 69 years. When my father visited them about 8 months ago, my grandfather told him that the warranty on his heart was up. When my dad asked him what he was sticking around for, he said that Mother needed him. Less than three weeks later, my grandfather joined her. It was a really beautiful end to an amazing love story.

And it was a testament to mind over matter. Once grandpa had Thanksgiving dinner with all 7 of his kids (something that hadn't happened in decades) he was ready to go. I think he stayed alive out of sheer will-power. He was strong that way. It is unfortunate the way it came about, but it was great to see my relatives (my dad, his 6 siblings, and a myriad of offspring of the afore mentioned) two times in a month.

Which made this particular study stand out for me. Apparently the more siblings that you have, the greater chance you have of getting a brain tumor. Here's the cool thing, it only depends upon the number of younger siblings you have. Which seems like a very weird association. Unless, as these authors suggest, that many brain tumors might have an infectious disease origin. My dad is one of the oldest of the bunch so it seems kind of relevant, except he's just past 60 so unless it is a very dormant thing, it probably doesn't apply to him.

This observation makes identifying the vectors thay may cause tumors an important and unexpected line of research to follow.

Show of hands... how many knew it wasn't really junk?

In my last post I mentioned "junk DNA". If you don't know what that is... briefly, a lot (and by "a lot" I mean most) of our DNA seems to be non-coding or, it doesn't directly result in proteins. With the sequencing of the genome came a revelation on the order of Copernicus... (remember he said that the sun didn't revolve around the earth - which apparently downgraded our view of ourselves in the universe.) Our genome isn't much different from other beings on our planet, well, except for all the junk DNA. Apparently we have a lot more of it. Given that little piece of knowledge we've actually started looking at what junk DNA might be.

An article in news@nature.com (you can't see the link unless you have a subscription but here it is anyway) talks about what all this junk might actually be for:

'They found that these stretches of non-coding DNA tend to lie near genes involved in brain-cell function — specifically, in building connections between brain cells. This suggests that the non-coding DNA pieces might orchestrate the wiring of our brains'

How interesting is that, the junk DNA is likely to be responsible for how our brains are hooked up. Go figure.

Science on Tap October 2006

Last night Marja Brandon, the Head of School of the Seattle Girls School spoke to us about Women in Science. A lot of people know or have heard that girls love science up to about 5th grade and unless they are encouraged many do not make it past middle school with that love of science (math included) intact. Marja has taken a really exciting approach to attacking that problem, and the cool thing is what she has come up with doesn't effect only girls.

The fact that I have two girls entering this time of life concerns me, but I also have kids in the Seattle Public Schools and if you have seen the news at all over the last couple years, you know that there are reasons to be concerned with our children's education here in Seattle. School closures are not the solution to a criminal act that caused a fiscal shortfall. Teaching to the WASL doesn't work. Buying down the class size in the public school system borders on illegal. But mostly we have an antiquated system that isn't forwarding a society that is ready to take on the challenges of the future.

Marja feels that we should be taught in a manner that works for our brains. Novel idea. That means incorporating all those important topics (i.e. reading, writing, math, critical thinking, art, public speaking etc.) at the same time. You don't go to work and think... I'll start with my english, do math a little later on and leave the critical thinking part until after I've had my coffee...

Of course, anyone who incorporates brain science into teaching styles is my hero... but she does this in a section of Seattle known for it's lower income constituents, and the school isn't filled with smart white girls. Her intention is that anyone who wants a stellar education gets it. She shared with us that a girl called up the school and asked "I can only afford $90 a month, can I come?" Yes, this is a private school, but only because the public school system isn't up to taking on this teaching style.

Some of the novel approaches:
Teachers teach all subjects.
Invention Convention: students design, mock up, develop and present novel inventions to "mock" investors.
Grand Rounds: students learn a medical field and community physicians have them present to large groups what ailment the mock patient is suffering from.

I've probably butchered what actually goes on, but I would have loved learning this way as a kid. We've got to drop a big chunk of cash on this woman so that the rest of our kids (girls and boys alike) can benefit from an education that will make a difference and literally leave no child behind.

I knew nature vs. nurture was too simplistic

I learned something new today!

I love it when that happens! Too often I think I know it all and even when I know I don't know it all, I might know a little something of it, which - of course - makes me think I know it all.

I found out there is a field of study that I have never even heard about. I read about it in Discover, one of my favorite magazines (I am all about making science accessible and this magazine does that). Anyway, the field is Epigenetics, which has nothing to do with Eugenics (a black mark in the history of science that you should at least be aware of).

You've all heard of "Genetics" (the study of genes and heredity) and the Human Genome Project, which sequenced the entire human genome. That project was expected in some quarters to be the panacea - we could now develop designer drugs, or designer babies - and instead left us (as new discoveries are often wont to do) with a whole new set of questions. Like "How is it that humans only have about 50% more genes than a roundworm?" and "Wow, do you suppose 'junk DNA' might actually do something?... 'cause there's an awful lot of it".

Anyone who has ever thought seriously about DNA, has at one point wondered "If every cell has all the information in it to create every protein imaginable, how does a liver cell know not to make a brain protein?" Well it turns out that the protein environment that the DNA is in (chromosomes are only 50% DNA) makes some protein's information accessible and others not so much or not at all. What has mostly been assumed up until this point, is that only the DNA is passed down from parent to child; that the protein environment is a slate wiped clean once an egg or sperm is created.

Here is a shocking bit of news from the field of Epigenetics (epi - 'upon, near to, in addition' Greek Origin), the protein environment that the DNA is in, is also inherited from our parents (which is logical once you think about it, we inherit chromosomes from our parents, not just DNA). Even more shocking, the epigenetics may last several generations. Daphnia water fleas when exposed to predators, grow defensive spines that are heritable for several generations.

The Discover story starts off describing that a well-studied genetic defect in mice (causes mice to be obese and susceptible to life threatening diseases) can be completely erased with nothing more than a change in the mother's diet. When you consider that the epigenetic environment can be altered by diet or by social circumstances (war, famine, stress, love, joy), you start to get that how you see yourself really matters. In case I lost you with that last train of thought... how you see yourself determines what you do, and if you think that what you do only affects you, you may be way off.

The article in November's issue is really great, I highly recommend shelling out the twenty bucks it costs to subscribe to Discover (see link in sidebar).